Nobody says it better

This is a tale of how my badcarma not only spread to another driver, but how another passenger unwittingly aided in its spread.

I was, as per my usual MO, minding my own business. The driver, we'll call him Law Dog, was cartng me and another passenger, we'll call him The Member, on a five hour journey along some of the most crowded freeways in the country.

Perhaps it was because I'd traveled with Law Dog at the wheel for many, many years, certainly more often than The Member, or perhaps it was because I was so used to my own angry rantings while in the driver's seat, but either way, Member pointed out something on that drive I'd never noticed. And it produced a profound change in Law Dog.

As I mentioned, it was crowded. And it's practically a law of physics that the more crowded a freeway is, the more complete a-holes are on it. Such was the case this day.

Law Dog's response was to drive aggresively and when needed let out an exasperated, "COCKSUCKER!" as another motorist who'd violated his space.

So, along we went. Hard brake, speeding around stalled cars, swerving to avoid inattentive lane changers with a "COCKSUCKER!" here and a "COCKSUCKER!" there.

About three hours into the trip, The Member turns to Law Dog and says, "You know, I've never heard anyone say 'cocksucker' as well as you do. It's like a pistol shot from you. An art form. You've elevated the word 'cocksucker' into a kindof purity I've never heard before." Etc. Etc. (If you know The Member, you know I'm not making this up. He can go on, and does, quite frequently. Oh, remind me to tell you sometime of his recent "adventure" on public transportation.)

Anyhow... Member went on about it for a while until we were all saying "COCKSUCKER!" in an attempt to imitate Law Dog, with minimal success. It was a jovial trip. Or so I thought.

The Member took a different car home so it was just me and Law Dog. He was uncharacteristically quiet and calm even through all the traffic, and there were plenty of cocksuckers, let me tell you. But not a single "COCKSUCKER!" escaped his lips.

I asked him why.

He said he never knew he said it so much until The Member pointed it out. Now, he decided, it was a bad habit. And he refused to be held hostage by a bad habit.

Law Dog vowed never to spew "COCKSUCKER!" at fellow travelers again. And he hasn't, not in all these years.

It was a true case of badcarma, no doubt.

Infectious badcarma

So, apparently, just knowing me can cause you, too, to contract badcarma.

A friend, Miss J, was telling us how she was getting into a little "roadwork" recently.

She was giving her daughter and a friend a ride home and took a four lane "highway" in our town. That's two lanes per side. It's a commonly traveled roadway and Miss J has been on it numerous times day and night.

This evening, however, she did not count on being taken over by my powerful badcarma. Perhaps it was just knowing me. Or perhaps because I have, once or twice, ridden in her car.

Whatever the cause, suddenly, she realized she had been driving in what she thought was a third lane down the road. Just tooling along, passing other cars. Except Miss J's "third lane" was actually the bike lane.

WHOOPS! The kids in the backseat succumbed to rare wisdom and kept their mouths shut until Miss J stopped, put a hand to her forehead (possibly feeling for a pulse?) and said, "Oh my god! There's no third lane on this road, is there?" (This was actually a rhetorical question...)

To which the daughter's friend replied, "Not till now...." Smartass.

Anyhoo...no ticket, no wreck, no foul as far as I'm concerned.

But it does serve as a cautionary tale to watch whose carma you're collecting!

Hogging the fast lane

We had a pack of letters to the editor today in the local paper that reminded me of how my badcarma once spread to another driver.

First, the letters were hilarious!

Apparently some bozo had written in some time ago about how ticked off he gets when he's on the freeway, in the fast lane, going the speed limit, by GOD, and some whipper snapper gets behind him and wants to go faster than the speed limit posted by LAW.

He feels it's his duty to stick in the fast lane and keep that other driver from passing, thereby exceeding the LEGAL speed limit.

A couple days ago he heard back from his fellow citizens who wrote letters saying what a total jackball he was.

Most of the letters tried to offer helpful attitudes about how it was much safer for him and would be less stressful if he just moved into the slower lane, yadda yadda yadda. One guy, though, really let him have it and mentioned that, oh YEAH, the "fast" lane is actually considered the PASSING lane and there are lots of signs on the freeway posted by LAW stating that slower traffic must move to the right.

That reminded me of the time I was a passenger in a truck heading north on an area freeway and my badcarma spread to the driver.

It was midday and there wasn't much traffic. We were clipping along in the fast (passing) lane making good time until we got behind a little Honda with two ladies who were just chatting away, having a great old time and going about 20 mph too slow.

We could have easily moved to the right lane to pass. But noooooooo. My companion had a set look to his face. He stayed on their bumper for what seemed like forever.

Shortly, the driver of the Honda noticed this large white truck in her rearview mirror and possibly even the angry looking white guy at the wheel. (Race had nothing to do with why my companion was so upset, but we're white and the ladies in the Honda were black, which may be relevant later.)

The ladies started getting agitated by the proximity of our truck to their bumper and let us know through rude hand gestures that we should back the F off.

Still, we stuck to the bumper. "The right hand lane is free if you want to pass," I offered in what I hoped was a helpful tone. Nothing doing.

This went on for a couple miles until finally, my companion signaled right and moved into the other lane.

As we came up on the ladies, he rolled down his window. They rolled down theirs. (I had no idea what to expect, but already I was cringing.)

Just as we passed the Honda, my companion stuck his left arm out the window and jabbed his finger toward a sign that was coming up in the median.

At the top of his lungs he yelled:
"SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT!!!!!!!!" and then zoomed past.

The ladies both had their mouths open to say something but as we went by I could see the perplexed looks on their faces as they tried to figure out what just happened.

I tried not to laugh. He was sooooo serious. And you know how men are. But even now I'm chuckling!

P.S. The only reason I brought up race is I'm sure those ladies thought this white guy in his big white truck in the middle of hick valley was about to spout a horrid racial slur. Instead, they got an irate driver's training lesson. I've often wondered how they told this story to their friends!

Really? Is it me?

I was on my way home tonight after a fruitful shopping excursion with a friend to the local mall. Yes, this is how I happily spent my Friday night. I had an invite to a going away party for a co-worker. But, uh, that just wasn't gonna happen....long story.

Cruising down the very busy road to my house (it's actually considered a highway) I saw an SUV a very short distance ahead of me pulling out from a sideroad. He didn't stop to look for oncoming traffic. He didn't even pause actually, not even a California stop, just whipped right onto the highway in front of me.

The lane next to me was free and totally open. But of course the guy pulls into my lane at 20 mph when I (and everyone else on the road!) was tooling along at about 50 mph.

Classic! I stomped on my brakes and flipped my brights on to let him know how much I appreciated his thoughtful courtesy. He speeded up right away and I could have just stayed behind him until my turn. But I had to see what he looked like!

I cut into the other lane and revved up until I was alongside him at a stoplight. Actually, I'd been thinking it was a woman the whole time (very sexist of me, I guess). He was not only a he, but an old guy at that. Maybe in his mid- to late-60s. And he had a vanity plate.

I don't think I mentioned this but the lady who wanted to rumble with me at the mall on Valentine's day also had a vanity plate. Could it be...?

Either they're both part of a bad driver family or perhaps she's initiated a conspiracy to get me....because, it couldn't just be me!

My back up

Oh, as for the whereabouts of my "posse" when that 60-year-old lady was getting ready to throw down on me? Eating! Yeah. They were all stuffing their faces with bad Chinese in the mall food court while grandma was gettin' ugly on me!

No, I don't think so

Thanks for the comments.

It's so exciting that anyone reads the stuff you put on blogs. It's kind of like getting a response after sending a note in a bottle floating out into the ocean.

So thanks!

But, no, I ain't goin' to no crazy ass curandero. If I think having someone blow smoke at me and wave a bunch of weeds around my head will help, I'm pretty sure I can find someone to do that for free!

But you're right, I think I am cursed. Actually, I KNOW a dude put a curse on me. But it's a long story and has nothing to do with my driving abilities...

My bad(s)...

I have to fess up.

I am not a perfect driver. In fact, I'm probably as much, if not more, of a menace on the road than my fellow motorists.

As you can tell, I did something lamebrained today and am now contrite.

Driving home is always a breeze for me because I usually don't leave the office until well after 6 p.m., hardly any traffic then. Tonight, I left at 5 p.m. (GASP!)

The roads were jammed. I was right in the middle of the jam, in the right hand lane and noticed the left hand lane was moving much faster because so many people were getting into the left turn lane ahead.

I formulated a plan. As soon as there was an opening, I would put on my blinker, rev up and scoot over while keeping a careful eye for brake lights on the car ahead of me.

Excellent plan. But apparently the driver I "scooted" in front of didn't share my vision.

She (oh, and she was on the cell the whole time yakking away) was three feet behind my back bumper when I made my move. But perhaps I didn't notice her speeding up, or she didn't notice my blinker because when I was half "scoot" into her lane she laid on the horn and startled me so that I actually yelled, "YIKES!" inside my truck.

I looked back and she didn't appear to be that close. But I admit, I hate it when people cut in front of my like that too. So that was my bad tonight.


TRUE CONFESSION NO. 2
The other confession I have involves parking lot driving. And while I admit my faults in this TRUE tale, I still have to say the people who pretended that I nearly mowed them down were a bit overreactive.

I was late all that day. And I was late again as I was leaving Chipotle (I just love their food and for $5, you can't beat the price).

Anyway, I was late so I decided to cut through the massive parking lot in which Chipotle is located. Just whiz past Barnes and Nobel, cut in front of Ralphs and around the corner to a side street that would put me on the main road ahead of all the lights.

Except that parking lots are not the place to be in a hurry. People (and, yes, I do hate them) have a tendency to be doing their own thing, pulling into a spot, backing out, slowwwwwwllllly driving around looking for a spot, or, curse them, WALKING to the stores.

As I was mid-whiz past Barnes and Nobel, coming up on Ralphs, two ladies were meandering down the side of the road, sort of perhaps angling to cross the road, but not really committing to it. WHOOSH! I went right past them and saw them in my rearview mirror jumping to the side.

I wasn't really that close, but it probably felt like it. I kind of felt bad about it. ButI DO hate anglers. Walk ACROSS the road or don't. It ain't a damn PARK!

Up ahead, I saw a couple, mid-50s, with a cart angling toward Ralphs. Great, more anglers.

I calculated how long it would take them to get in striking distance and whether I could make it past them before I had to stomp on the brakes and wait for them to angle their way across the road into Ralphs.

I figured I could make it, so I sped up.

The man looked right at me, saw what I was doing and took a step in my direction. Too late. I was in the zone. He jumped back. As I went past him he hollered "Bitch!" Then the woman screeched "Would you PLEASE slow down?" I thought it was a rhetorical question so I kept on going. Besides, slowing down might give them time to jot down my license number.

So, there you have it. True confessions from a sometimes inconsiderate driver.

And then this morning....

I'm driving down the road, minding my own business, as is my MO. The lady in front of me in her big fat SUV puts her blinker on to turn right.

We're approaching a NOTORIOUSLY long light, which is green at the moment. So I'm glad this lady's getting out of my way.

But instead of moving over, she straddles the line between my lane and the turn lane. Just taking her time, slowing down, blinker on, not really committing to one lane or the other.

I put my hands up and ask myself "What are you doing lady?" (Ok, yes, I did this out loud, by myself in my car. Don't pretend you don't do it too!)

But this time, I think the other driver heard me. She leaned out her open window and glared back at me then stuck her left arm out the window and shook her finger at me.

Hey! I didn't even cuss, this time!

Maybe it's me...

Ok, last one

This morning I had to go to an elementary school and read to a class of sixth graders. Seriously. I know, most people who know me know that my favorite saying is "I hate people." (not so much a saying as a way of life actually) But the woman who asked me to do the reading needed people and she promised me alcohol.

Soooooooo....there I was at the elementary school. I parked across the street from the school and hopped out of my truck to head across the street.

Behind me I heard, "Hey! Hey!"
I turned.
"Are you gonna be long?" said a woman who was poking her head out of the door of the house I had parked in front of.

"Uh, about a half hour, I think," I said.

"Good, because I have people coming," she said and slammed the door.

This was on a PUBLIC STREET, across from a SCHOOL.

Who are these people?

I mean, yes, I also think I should get my way at all times. Or at least that people should GET OUT OF MY WAY at all times. But I'm not actually stupid enough to try and get the rest of the yahoos on the planet to accommodate me.

I just have to ask, is it just me?

Yet another incident

A couple days ago I was rushing to a meeting my company had outside the office (yes, I actually have a real job).

The meeting was at the county library.

As I said, I was late. So I tried to find the closest parking place in the lot. What I found was a spot next to a shiny black Escalade that was pulled into its space backward. There was a woman in the Escalade reading a book.

I parked and was walking past her window when she rolled it down and said, "Hi."
"Uh, hi," I said back.
"So, all the parking spots here and you gotta pull this thing in next to me?!" she yelled as I kept walking.
I was a bit stunned by her outrage and looked quickly at my parking job, not always my strong suit. But this time I had parked in the lines, not too close to the cars on either side.

"Uh, this IS a public parking lot," I said and kept walking.
"Have a nice DAYYYYYY!" she screeched.

I related the exchange to my co-workers inside the library and they had WAY better come backs.
Such as:
"Yes, I did have to park there, GOD told me to," and then roll your eyes crazily.

So there I was...

Minding my own business, driving to the mall to meet the girls for a quick Clinque gift-with-purchase run.
I was in the turn lane headed into the mall. It's a double turn lane and there was a car next to me. The light turned green and we pulled out. Then the crash test dummy next to me pulls into my lane, no blinker, no honkin, no "kiss my ass" nothing. I slam on the brakes and cuss her (it turned out to be a her).

Of COURSE, she goes to the same parking area I'm headed to. And she goes in the wrong way and causes a big jam up because she wants to get to the parking place as close to the building as possible. I lay on the horn, to no avail.

Of COURSE the cut-off woman walks up to the same store I'm headed to.

So, I prepare to just ignore her and be above it all (who am I kidding?).

As I opened the door, I glanced back at her and she got a big old prune look on her face and said, "I can't believe SOME people!" (meaning me, I supposed)

We walked into RobinsonMay at the same time and in the foray I say to her, "Hey, you cut ME off! You nearly caused an accident!"

Jerk lady: "I was in the turn lane, you weren't"
Me: "You need to pay attention when you're behind the wheel lady, that was a double turn lane and you cut me off."
Jerk lady: "Ok, so I didn't pay attention, big deal."
Me: "Uh, yeah, if we'd wrecked it would have been a big damn deal and it would have been your fault."
Jerk lady: "Happy Valentine's DAY!!!"
Me: "SHUT UP!"

Oh, did I mention the jerk lady was like 60-plus years old and was escorting her elderly mother?